you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
