Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize