Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
My friends, they love my intelligence
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
