He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
