Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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