i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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