the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
