Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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