I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
