real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
