Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
