Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize