also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize