and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
