plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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