They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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