Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
