Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
