and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
