this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
