I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
