You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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