Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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