Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
