it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I love having hate sex.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
