My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
