I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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