It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
