You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize