New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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