He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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