...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
