and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
