im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
