I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
