when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
