someone get that fucking seahorse.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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