my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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