Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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