i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
