I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
