Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
