Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
