he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
