Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
