Your face is a jimmy john
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
