Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
