She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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