I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
