remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
