i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
