who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
