Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
