Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
