Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
