he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize