I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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