His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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