He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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