I think my vagina is haunted
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
