I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
