and you said cock pushups were impossible
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
