Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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